Thoughts on performative forgiveness/apologies and reconciliation in the midst of the Joseph Boyden Debacle

In the light of the Boyden’s re-emergence, I’ve been thinking a lot about apologies, forgiveness and reconciliation more broadly, and it’s been…triggering.
First some basics. Definitions for forgiveness, apologies, atonement, and reconciliation.
Forgiveness: voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offence, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well (Wikipedia).
Apology: expression of remorse or personal regret felt after committing a shameful, violent or hurtful act
Notice that these two things are mutually exclusive and does not require reciprocity. A person can forgive a person without apologies. A person can apologize without receiving forgiveness. Even when it happens in a reciprocal context, it cannot be forced, and certainly doesn’t mean reconciliation, which is the restoration of a relationship to an equitable state for all parties.
Forgiveness or even reconciliation can be encouraged with acts of atonement: actions taken to correct previous wrongdoing.
Now that we have definitions, I’ll preface this by saying I’m not someone who has a great record when it comes to forgiveness. What do I mean by this? I’m unlikely to forgive anyone directly without an apology and in some cases, without atonement/reparations. My version of “forgiveness” will be more like resignation/acceptance: no longer having the offence bother me and moving beyond it. In order for real forgiveness or reconciliation to happen, I demand atonement/reparations.
I guess that makes me sound like a grudge keeper. Not exactly. I can forgive a person but still not talk to them and still avoid them. I’m not out to get them, but I know that the forgiveness is for “me” and it doesn’t have to mean that I must actively wish them well. The reason I do this is because of self-preservation. I don’t want to forgive someone to have them hurt me again. So my version of holding onto a grudge is just that: an act of self-preservation rather than revenge or ostracism.
My issue with forgiveness is that it doesn’t seem to be much to concerned with restorative justice. So when I feel people are pushed to forgive in a public manner, it’s much like making sure restorative justice is avoided for perpetrators.
So moving along, I think the context of reconciliation here in Canada, far too many people think apologies are equivalent to reparations, and thus reconciliation is warranted. Nah.
People suspect performative apologies for a reason (*cough* Trudeau *cough* Harper). They make the perpetrator look virtuous without accountability through reparations. And the victim, having been pressured to “forgive” in a public manner draws ire as someone who is a grudge keeper. And so this leads to many acts of premature forgiveness, when the victim feels unready but needs to do it anyway to save face. This “forgiveness” is often conflated with reconciliation and acceptance of the apology as atonement. So it really kind of lets the perpetrator off the hook, without consideration of the needs and desires for reparation of the victim. Victim has a right to ask for reparations whether or not reconciliation is eventually achieved. I think too often, there’s onus on victims to let it go for the sake of diffusing any tension or awkwardness.
Grudge keepers get a bad rap, at the expense of their own well-being and for the benefit of the status quo not having to change.
People who think the whole Boyden thing is a “witch hunt”, I don’t think they give shits about justice. I have nothing against them but I would not trust them with my house keys.
As a female-presenting person of colour, I know how much we are pressured to diffuse tensions by letting things go at our own expense. So go ahead see me as a grudge-holding bitch or whatever, but I’m going to just self-preserve like a boss and others can steer clear of me.
This isn’t some person’s feelings at risk here. It’s people’s histories and survival. Pretty sure Boyden can continue his lifestyle without ever being accepted as Indigenous because of white supremacy. But letting him just take that identity or other marginalized identities for profit is a violent act in itself with serious repercussions on the communities. So, when marginalized people seem “difficult” or like they “can’t get over it”, they’re really giving you feedback to get your act together. They are not being difficult just out of vengefulness, but in an effort to make a more equitable society.
Act accordingly.

My speech at the March for Science, Toronto on April 22, 2017 #sciencemarch

This past weekend, I had the privilege and honour of speaking at Queen’s Park in Toronto to the crowds gathered for the March for Science. Here’s a transcript of my speech.

Hello everyone. If you’re here, you might know that our government hasn’t always had the best record when it comes to preserving the ethos of science needed for research to be free from political bias. I’m here to tell you, that science is almost never free from cultural and political bias. But where does that leave us, striving to make our governments more transparent, our laws more just, and economy more ethical? As a society, we have to become more conscientious about the ways in which science has been used to advance the interests of our governments and corporations, but also the ways in which it impacts scientific research policy itself, and at what cost.

Since the Harper government’s infamous muzzling of federal scientists, we have become aware of how power structures in this country can jeopardize science, and in turn, our collective health and well-being. What we might not realize is how Canadian extractive industries, namely, the oil and gas and mining industries, continue with impunity, to use the expertise, economic and political support of our nation’s scientists and engineers, to violate human and environmental rights in vulnerable communities within Canada and overseas.

I was trained in chemical engineering at the University of Toronto. During my education, while we considered legal and ethical issues, I, along with others, felt that we needed more preparation in this area. Engineers as professionals, were advised to be apolitical, in that their expertise was to serve the public good, but we were not to question who and what factors defined what the public good was. Moreover, once I was in industry, I began to see how current laws and policies governing the activities of Canadian engineering, procurement, construction and management firms fall short in their promises of accountability in Canada and abroad. To this day, and in spite of criticism from many stakeholders, very few of these companies have faced legal, social and political repercussions, and their dominance in the world extractive market continues unaffected. Just recently, in late March, after being held responsible for many other infractions, Barrick Gold has been accused of using the Papua New Guinea police force to destroy up to 150 households in order to unlawfully evict villagers near a gold mine. In British Columbia, just last week, the Mount Polley Mining Corporation was granted permission to drain its waste into Lake Quesnel, which is used for the livelihoods of many residents in the area, including several Indigenous communities. This is barely three years after the the collapse and spill of a Mount Polley tailings pond into Lake Quesnel, an event considered to be one of the worst mining disasters in Canada.

During the Harper government, Canadians acknowledged the need to hold our government accountable for all the harm and negligence that was to befall this country’s environment and health. It’s time we extend this push for accountability and transparency to our homegrown technocrats and their enablers who exploit Canadian laws and scientific and technical expertise to reap profits. We as a country cannot claim to be a leader in human rights and environmental protection, while our private sector is continually rewarded for contentious standards of transparency, innumerable human rights violations, especially with respect to Indigenous communities, and an appalling environmental record. In fact, we are complicit in these infractions, as long as we create the sociocultural and political space to tolerate these practices.

As an engineer-turned-social scientist in training, I am in a unique position to consider divergent perspectives in this matter. And I know, that in their ideal states, both the science and technology sectors, and the social welfare proponents want a more prosperous, healthier and sustainable future. It’s time we finally let them hear each other out, create the space for collaboration and let that goal come to fruition.

An open letter to Senator Lynn Beyak on her recent comments about the Indian residential school system

*Caveat: I speak from the perspective of an immigrant, citizen and settler ally to Indigenous peoples. If I have been out of line anywhere, please let me know*

Dear Senator Beyak,

My name is Aadita Chaudhury. I’m an immigrant who is a Canadian citizen, who like you, is a settler in the traditional territories of First Nations people, much of which is unlawfully occupied – this is a fact that cannot be denied. I live in Toronto, the traditional territory of the Mississaugas of the New Credit First Nation. I wanted to write to you with regards to your comments about the residential school system, as I’m sure numerous others already have. You spoke about the “unacknowledged” “well-intentioned” “good deeds” done by the residential school system, and how recent conversations have unfairly gloss over this “different side of the residential school story”.

Senator Beyak, I’m not here to convince you of the violence of atrocities of residential schools, the rampant, physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual abuse, the nonconsensual and grossly unethical nutritional experiments on Indigenous children, because I don’t think it is my job to convince you that residential schools have left a deep legacy of pain in Indigenous communities. The Truth and Reconciliation Commission has done an excellent job of that, and numerous Indigenous scholars, thinkers and artists continue to speak about their experiences today. Perhaps you should seek out more of these voices yourself and consider them without attending to your imperialist biases, which you seem oblivious to, since you have the nerve to attempt a revisionist history of residential schools while standing on stolen land.

I would like to talk to you about this issue as a descendant of citizens from another British colony – India, as to how your recent notions about residential schools and Trudeau’s 1969 white paper are misguided and insidiously hateful. I’m no stranger to stories of dispossession, discrimination and cultural genocide from my own country of origin. I am deeply uncomfortable at your attempt at Whig history, because if successful, it would imply the success of the original residential school strategy, which was to “kill the Indian in the child”. In fact, your example of a good deed that has been done in residential schools referring to the mass conversion of Indigenous children into Christianity to me sounds like nothing more than spiritual abuse at best, and you condoning this is furthermore disturbing. Your support for the Trudeau white papers with the hope that we could all be “Canadians together” shows your support for systemic and epistemic violence against non-British and non-French communities in Canada, by which the government would effectively incentivize the destruction of the Indigenous psyche perhaps to further legitimize it claims on Indigenous territory while creating mass amnesia about its own hypocrisy.

As a person living currently in Toronto, I often feel very disconnected, and even unwelcome in these lands. This is not because I have real fears for my safety, but somewhere deep down, I know I have not been invited here in the terms of the original custodians of the land, and I have not made a space for myself within their relations. To me, this feels like grief at the loss of possible connections I could have made, the cultural landscapes I could have been part of ethically and the knowledges and practices I could have honoured, instead of having to bow to my ancestors’ colonial masters once again. Every time I see someone like you who shuts down Indigenous claims to sovereignty, I feel revictimized by imperialism. One of the biggest regrets in my life was being welcomed into Canada without any Indigenous perspectives or presence, without living, working and going to school for years until I met an Indigenous person. It was as if the odds were already stacked against me in trying to understand its history. It’s as if, everything from my school textbooks to many public space, wanted to convince me of the timelessness of British common law across time in these lands, erasing Indigenous history. To naturalize the cultural genocide of Indigenous peoples in this way not only trains immigrants to believe the “official story of Canada” from which the violence of colonialism and slavery are erased, it sets them up to not believe and honour the Indigenous perspectives.

I would request you, as an immigrant and Canadian, to resign from our Senate. I think enough damage has been done to the memories, spirits, and psyches of our Indigenous communities, and in my case, it has bled into my own intergenerational trauma. I do not want to live in a Canada where people in political power continue to gaslight and manipulate the marginalized with impunity. Thus, I ask, if you have any love for this country, however shallow and problematic that may be, please step down.


Warmest regards,


Aadita Chaudhury

PhD Candidate, Department of Science and Technology Studies, York University

Toronto, Canada

Call for Papers – Open Panel: Television as a Contested Site of the Creation of Knowledge and Social Imaginaries

Organized for Annual 4S Meeting to be held in Boston, Massachusetts, August 30-September 2, 2017


Television has long been a site of impermanent knowledge production in societies all around the world. Marxist philosopher Louis Althusser linked the mass appeal of television to his notion of Ideological State Apparatuses, whereby ideological hegemony could be achieved and reinforced through its programming. Conversely, according to film theorist Andre Bazin, each shot in film was a revelation of God expressed through images of creation. While scientific educational programs have aimed at creating public awareness of science, fiction-based television programming has also been equally responsible for creating new ways of thinking about scientific practices and technologies in a rapidly changing political, ecological and social landscape.  As historian David Kirby has suggested, television allows viewers to virtually witness science. Yet, the impermanence of the medium also leads viewers to question the supposed objective reality of science. This panel seeks to explore the ways television programming has co-produced social imaginaries and situated knowledges in a variety of realms and societies, and the ways in which television programming and their appeal can teach us about the salience of specific public imaginations concerning the state of the world, the presentation of varying knowledge systems from feminist, postcolonial, indigenous and other ideological standpoints. We are seeking to create a relatively informal discussion regarding the impacts of television programming on science, science research and education and the field of science and technology studies itself.



Submission Deadline: March 1, 2017.

Submit paper, session, and making and doing proposals here:


Please check the box to submit your paper to open panel “Television as a Contested Site of the Creation of Knowledge and Social Imaginaries”


You can find more details about the conference on



For more information contact:

Aadita Chaudhury, York University:

Ingrid Ockert, Princeton University:

Completing a master’s thesis and its aftermath

Welp, despite many assertions to the contrary, I have been thus far entirely unable to keep up with any kind of non-academic writing since I started my thesis, with very limited exceptions. I think I’m about done apologizing to myself for this, because it is only now with the experience of being devoted to a singularly focused project for a long time that I see how it can potentially sap one’s creative energies if one is not careful. I think most of the creative or non-academic ideas I had during the last year currently exist as point-form scribblings in a notebook that I keep with me everywhere with a particularly superstitious regard. Perhaps it’s time to revisit some of those ideas.

I’d love to talk to you about my thesis in detail now that it’s submitted and that I’m indeed on track to graduate this October, but I just defended it on August 23rd, and presented it at an international conference in Barcelona on September 1presented it at an international conference in Barcelona on September 1, and I’m still here, couped up in a student residence in the Gothic quarter of Barcelona, wondering why I feel so tired.

I make my way back across the pond tomorrow morning, and immediately after I land I go off to my PhD orientation at the program in Science and Technology Studies at York University. In the meantime, I’ve had to apply for conference funding, apply to attend a workshop on postcolonial and feminist science and technology at Harvard, and complete my initial applications for the Trudeau and Vanier Scholarship Programs. I am sure there was some way I could have planned this which would have avoided me feeling so drained at this moment, but such is life, and from what I’ve been told, the norm in PhD programs – so I’m seeing it as preparation for it. Sigh. I really need a nap. I’ll get on that now.

Masters nearly finished. What now?

So, my masters in environmental studies degree is nearly done. What does this mean for me? This is a question that has me simultaneously very excited, ambivalent, numb and generally horrified. Initially when I was finishing the thesis, I thought it was the stress of the thesis itself that felt like it was tearing me apart (yes, think of that scene from The Room), but I realized I was in fact responding to an earlier self-made prophecy about my career trajectory. This is kind of a big deal. There’s also the non-academic repercussions of the whole masters experience to process, which means I will have to contend with both the academic and the personal experiences that have passed. I want to say that I’m a stronger person, but I feel very amorphous in my ambitions and identity right now. I posted a status on Facebook the other day, which I think illustrates, what I mean rather well.

The closer I get to completing my thesis, the heavier everything feels. I was, at first, surprised by this, because the less work I had, the less stress I felt and the closer I got to the finish line, the more vulnerable I became. I went about my daily business as if nothing was out of the ordinary, but I eventually realized what I was reacting to was not finishing that one thing I need to graduate, but the culmination of experiences that led up to that point, and I was finally acknowledging the masters experience in its totality. 

In 2014, when I started, I felt a mix of naive optimism, self-consciousness about my limited and amateur engagement with social theory up to that point and a vague but overwhelming desire to sever ties with an older identity.

Throughout this journey, I’ve met scholars who went through a similar process of ‘conversion’ (in their words) from the STEM fields to the social sciences/humanities, and I know that I’m not alone in my Phoenix complex. I saw myself burning down, and I feel like I’m still in ashes, and it’s a peaceful way to be. I will go where the wind takes me, and one day, I’ll fly again.

This is to say that I feel all kinds of weird about what lies ahead, and that is not unusual at all. I remember feeling similarly when I completed my undergraduate, then left engineering and now. What is life if not a series of Phoenix-like transformations? It’s true that for some these transitions are far more gradual and less jarring than what has been in my experience, but with any kind of change, there is a sense of discomfort, and if one happens to lean into the discomfort, it can get really debilitating at certain times.

Despite the uncertainties and The Discomfort, there’s a few things that are certainly looking good for me. In August/September, I will be attending the Social Studies of Science Conference in Barcelona, and presenting my masters research on ‘The Naturecultures of Lyme disease in North America’ in a panel entitled ‘Biosocial futures: from interaction to entanglement in the postgenomic age‘. This is a great honour, as I will be surrounded by some very established scholars in my field, and I will get to meet many people who share my academic interests. Then afterwards, if everything goes according to plan, I will begin my PhD in science and technology studies at York University.

It may seem bizarre that I feel sometimes very depressed about my prospects in the world given all of this, and the fact that I just came back from France after completing a prestigious internship at the United Nations Environment Programme. Somehow, I am plagued by the thought that I am not doing enough, or the right kind of enough, that I am at the wrong place, and should have tried harder. I have long been upset at the prospect of prolonging my stay in Toronto (frankly, world cities like Paris, New York and even Bangkok seem like a better fit for me as a person, and there are no long term attachments here in Toronto that are keeping me here) because I feel constantly stifled here. I realize that a PhD is by no means another sentence to stay in Toronto indefinitely, but part of me wonders what other opportunities await me elsewhere in the world and whether I would have achieved them had I tried harder. I’ve been living in Toronto without break (unless you count summers) since 2002, and I’m itching for bigger things that take me places. I realize that it’s already happening, but somehow I want more, I want something different. Maybe things will be different once I’m in a PhD program. Maybe I should chuck it all and move to New York and fulfill my lifelong dream of training at the Upright Citizens Brigade, get a TV show like Broad City and just make it (if only it was that easy). Perhaps I’m impatient, perhaps it’s academia that I’m tired of. I don’t know. I don’t know anything.

I’ll be over here watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Drop me a line if you have any advice. I surely am in need of some.